Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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