I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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