Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im holly from the hills drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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