Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
