Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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