I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
