there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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