there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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