I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
