I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
