why didn't you poke me back
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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