i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
