Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
