my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
