Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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