I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
