Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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