Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Randomize
