They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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