Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
