Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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