Don't make out with my wife yet
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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