I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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