Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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