I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You took a bar mat shot.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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