I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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