Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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