dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just want to make out with him forever
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
