an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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