my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
