so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
