We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
