hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
