This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
