i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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