so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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