Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
