I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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