I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
