am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
