Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
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Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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