I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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