Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
