You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
