So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oh god it's open bar.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
