The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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