I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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