How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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