Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
