I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
