So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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