i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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