the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize