Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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