You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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