I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
